Reflection

Having a blog has mostly taught me that I am not good at having a blog. I never had time to submit anything interesting like I see in other blogs that I stumble upon from time to time. I used mine as a dumping ground for whatever was in my head at the time. I don't think it increased my fluency because I have been journaling my entire life and have never had a problem with making words flow out of me when I need them to. I didn't really like the blog because it turned into a journal online and there aren't too many things I want to share with the internet. I actually really hate the internet and have been making a point in my life to have less to do with it. Having a blog, even though it was required, felt incredibly counterproductive in that goal. I actually plan to delete this and never look back once the class is over. I have no use for this, and don't want it hanging around google attached to my name.
I frequently forgot to blog, which is obvious because this reflection was due last night and I completely forgot about it until this morning. I don't even know if I will be able to turn it in but I'm trying anyway just in case. I don't want to complain about the structure or content of the class anymore, because this blog was largely complaints. I guess that is another thing blogging brought out in me. An ability to dump out all the frustration and annoyances of the day. I don't have time to maintain much of a social life and the blog became a sounding board of my irritation. A way to release all the things that were bothering me out into oblivion. It was also just a bunch of brain garbage. Like right now. I have literally just been sitting here typing out everything that flows through  my head. I haven't stopped once other than to jump up and chase my son a couple of times. How's that for fluency? I can't really give the blog credit for that because I've been doing it since the start. How long is this thing supposed to be? I don't remember. I don't really want to stop and look either because this thing is late anyway. Surely this is long enough. Smell you later blogging.

Fire

What a day I have had. I made an appointment for my son this morning. When I got to the doctors office a prerecorded voice over the intercom system kept repeating "Attention: Dr. Red, Fourth Floor". I know enough to know that isn't a good thing. Yet when I looked around  me I saw seated patients waiting around, nurses and receptionists standing around gabbing about weekend plans and cartoons cheerfully playing on the TV. I decide to stand up and leave because I don't want to find out what a page for "Dr. Red" stands for when some sort of administrator comes out and says "I don't know if this is a drill or not, but I think we need to evacuate"
Let me point out all the things wrong with this.
1. If its a drill, you flunk. Hard. This alarm was going off when I walked in the door, and didn't stop throughout check in, and asking to be seated. Every employee in Smith Glenn Calloway Pediatrics straight up ignored a fire alarm for at least over 5 minutes.
2. It wasn't a drill. There was a fire upstairs. As I walked out the door a fire truck was pulling in to the parking lot. Extra fail.
3. Super deluxe failure status- I was one of the first people out of the building. Tons more trickled out long after I did. I don't even know how long the alarm was going off and I was probably the last to come in, but the first one out. The alarm went off long enough for the fire department to ARRIVE as I was walking out the door. That isn't very promising.
It wasn't a huge inferno or anything and it was resolved in about 45 minutes but if it had been some other sort of emergency I now have a pretty good idea of how Mercy staff will handle it: By standing around doing nothing. That's pretty scary considering they are medical personnel responsible for the care of patients. It's only a matter of time before we all have Ebola at this rate.

Panic

I need to study for my test, which is tomorrow, and I haven't had time. I have been trying to complete other homework like a madwoman with no success, because my baby is sick, and I am not feeling so hot either. I think we have a virus from those god damn mosquito bites. I got my grade back on my lab practical and I didn't do as well as I wanted. Got my first C. I've never even gotten a B on a test and I tanked on this chapter, which is really discouraging because I have no time to study, I am nauseated and tired and now the time I had to study in the morning is occupied by a doctor's appointment. I'm having a panic attack. I feel like I am somewhere between crying and throwing up. This isn't even that big of a deal but I am so not coping with it right now. I don't want to look at this screen anymore. I don't want to take a test tomorrow. I want to lay down and read a book to relax and get a restful night of sleep but I still have so much to do and a poor sick baby to monitor on top of it. I have to just hurry and do this. I have to hurry and do the other thing for this class too. I think its due tomorrow maybe but I have other schoolwork to do tomorrow and I have no idea what the doctor is going to say so I need to be able to compensate for that as well. Oh God this is miserable. I just want to do well and get stuff done but I feel like I am running myself ragged. I want to go back in time to 18 year old Kayla and shake her. Tell her to stay in school and get everything done while you don't have a child and spare time galore. Tell her that whatever idea that made her think that she didn't need to be in school and could get through life just fine is completely wrong and to save herself some trouble and do all of that shit NOW.

Mosquito Bites

My son and I are both covered in angry red mosquito bites. It is completely miserable. I will be so glad when summer is over and there are no stupid mosquitos. I took my lab practical today and have no idea how I did, and now I get to obsess over blackboard checking for my score every day until its posted. I don't think I did that great. I have been really out of whack lately. I need to find a good routine and get back into it. I kindof let everything go for awhile and it blew up in my face. Hopefully once we are moved into the new house everything will kind of smooth out for awhile. Who knows. Anyway. My legs itch and feel so achy and swollen I just want to sit in a hot salt water bath or something. I have no idea if it would even help but anything is better than sitting here itching and aching. I just reached up and rubbed my eyes, then remembered that I actually wore eyeliner today,. Im guessing I look like a raccoon now. hbjgyulasjhfdv, xcdzb << That would be my son climbing on to the bed and throwing himself on the keyboard. He loves to press buttons and smash on the keyboard. This poor laptop has been smashed on, stood on, drooled on, spilled milk on and everything in between and its less than a year old. It's truly a marvel of technology that it still works without issue. I need to write Toshiba a thank you letter for making such a durable laptop. Now that I have said all this I'm sure it will end up busted in the floor by the end of the night.. That's just my luck.

UhOh

I went a full two days without blogging. I got sick with some weird stomach thing and totally forgot. I am really not great at keeping up with this stuff. Now I'm sitting here trying to think of something to write about but Im kindof blank. I just woke up from a nap on the couch. I'm pretty sure I still have pillow marks in my cheek from sleeping so hard so my brain is really fuzzy. I need to be studying for my lab practical tomorrow. I don't even know where to start. Well, I know where to start- I have a pretty decent study guide, but I don't know how to start I guess. I am in that special vapor lock that comes with being really out of my routine. Feeling crappy for the last 2 days and trying to function on the motherhood levels alone really took it out of me. My dad is visiting and he is chatting my ear off while I am trying to do this and that is extra distracting. Plus I keep jumping up because my son is still asleep on the couch and I am afraid he is going to roll off into the floor now that I'm not there to serve as a safety rail. I don't know. The washing machine is out of balance and I'm hungry. I really don't want to be sitting here doing this but click click click here I go just waiting for the words on the page to stack up and look long enough that I am confident I have filled the 300 word requirement. I really really need to be studying. I'll finish this and then laundry will be done in the dryer. That leads to folding clothes, then its dinner time, then we eat. Then I give Everett his bath, then he wants to run around and play in whatever Im doing, then its time for bed, and once he is in bed I am either exhausted or all the lights are out and I have to hunch over the glow of my laptop to get anything done. uuggghhhhh.

Online Shopping

I'm not really what you would consider a "crunchy" parent- but I do still breastfeed my 16 month old and I cloth diaper. I chose to cloth diaper because it reduces the amount of dirty diapers festering away in landfills for the next million years and it is very budget friendly... if you can keep away from online boutiques constantly coming out with new adorable prints. I managed to do this. I built my giant stash of diapers out of basic, "china cheapies" meaning single color simple pocket diapers that cost around 5 bucks a piece, shipped for free from china. Then it happened. I bought the Holstein cow print Kawaii Goodnight Heavy Wetters diaper I have been pining over since laying eyes on it months ago. The trap was set, and I fell in,
You don't need to buy all those prints, Kayla. He wears pants over them, Kayla. He is just going to POOP in them, Kayla.
Don't care. Must have all the cute. I am a woman obsessed. Poring over eBay auctions and shouting OH NO YOU DIDN'T when I am outbid on the cute minky green diaper with white reindeer. Christmas is coming! Oh look! A camo one! I love the way this one fits. Let me buy all the other prints too! Now I find myself thinking of getting rid of my cheapies to clear the way for the new, fun diapers. My poor cheapies. They got me through thick and thin when I was broke starting out. My barely present coparent that helps with next to nothing anyway didn't support my choice to use cloth, but would also constantly neglect to help me out getting disposable ones. Look at me, ready to toss them out for new flashy diapers. I tell myself that once these come in I am done. I have plenty and potty training could be right around the corner anyway. We'll see how that works out for me.

Friday

Today has been about as backwards as it gets. Im a bit of a routine person and I wrecked it. I didn't go to class today and instead spent the entire morning and afternoon going to yard sales with my mom and son. I felt so much guilt over neglecting my class that I almost didn't even enjoy myself. I kept looking at the clock thinking "I should be parking right now... I would still have 20 minutes of lecture... I should be leaving now... I would just now be getting home". Playing hooky doesn't suit me. I know better- but sometimes you just have to enjoy a pretty day with your family. Im sitting in bed now, thinking about eating some leftovers but also noticing that it is almost 11 and not really a prime time to eat a bunch of chinese food. Who am I kidding. It will be a miracle if I finish this post without stopping to go to the fridge. It will also be a miracle if I manage to keep most of my skin intact by bedtime. The mosquitos are having a last hurrah at my house and trying to be outside in the evenings is almost unbearable. I didn't notice it too much but I stopped to swat one off my horses neck only to look down and discover 3 of the bastards feasting on my arm. Naturally they were all over my legs and the back of my neck too. I will be a walking itchy whelp for the next few days. I hope the weather stays warm enough to wear shorts because the thought of jeans rubbing all these bites makes me consider amputation. I have only just recovered from getting into a bunch of seed ticks out in the woods last week. I welcome chilly bug killing weather. Or a bunch of bats and dragonflies eating them all. I joked all summer about turning the barn into "Kayla's Home for Wayward Bats" to combat our horrible mosquito problem. I think I'm done here. I need to go tape some oven mitts on my hands so I don't claw myself to ribbons.