Poison Control

Tonight I spent 10 minutes on the phone with poison control because my son got in a bathroom drawer and found a bottle of body spray and stuck it in his mouth. Not so bad. The lid was loose for whatever reason and he got a mouth full... and swallowed it. Bad. Turns out he was fine, but I am sharing this because it's an honest glimpse into my day to day. Chasing a tiny male copy of myself around while he does his best to eat every gross thing, grab every sharp or hot thing, or tear up every important thing. Little boys have a truly astonishing amount of energy and intelligence. It may not seem incredibly intelligent to do things like try to eat an egg shell out of the trash but the way he goes about sneaking over to that trash can is nothing short of impressive. I marvel at him daily. He says a new word almost every day and shows levels of understanding that completely blow me away. It's just the two of us, and trying to raise him and provide for us and go to school gets really overwhelming sometimes but man is it ever worth it. He is just so cool. I never planned on having children and while I knew I would be good at it, I never wanted to have kids. I was terrified to have something that I love so much. I just knew the stress and worry would kill me.
It does.
Its the hardest thing I have ever done and I weep at the idea of bringing more innocent babies into this world that just gets shittier every day. I worry constantly about his safety and well being. I wonder what kind of world he will grow up into, worry what struggles he will have in life. Worry worry worry. It's the essence of motherhood. It's love beyond the beyonds. It's knowing that someday the tiny mewling infant that you brought home from the hospital, snuggled and loved, fed and kissed. could someday despite your nurturing grow into a complete asshole. They could grow up and run over cats on purpose or rape a girl at a party. These are the thoughts that moms don't share. The scary bits that we sweep to the back of our minds. That guy on the news that killed a bus full of people had a mother that rocked him to sleep and kissed his boo boos. For every shitty adult with crappy parents there is a shitty adult with a mother who really tried. Who loved them and did everything they could and still stand behind their child, even when they rob the bank or shoot someone over drugs. Human nature is so incredibly weird.

It's 10pm, do you know what you're blogging about?

No. I have no idea. I almost forgot to do it again but then remembered when I was mapping out my homework for the week. Every day the word BLOG is written in red on my calendar and my eyes already try to skip over it. Maybe I should try a topic generator. Lets see... Okay. I came up with 20 least favorite cats. I think I used the same generator they use over at buzzfeed. This isn't working out. I think its funny that on Wednesday I am going to have to submit a link of my favorite blog post. Hah. I basically just sit here and think out loud and talk about how I almost forget to do this every day. I don't even think anyone is going to get the chance to read this damn thing because there is no link to it. I haven't received any feedback or real grades on anything else. I kind of feel like the whole shebang is a bunch of grade A bologna. I hate that. I have no desire to really try because every writing assignment is completed in the dark and thrown into a darker abyss. Hope I hit the mark. Does it matter? Oh well. I finished everything on my to do list this week so whaaaatever. I was looking forward to having a writing class and to get back into this long forgotten hobby and its like- oh. I don't think she actually reads any of this. Well. Okay. That was fun. And then we do these discussion posts and basically everyone lines up for their turn to say "Yeah I think so too. Good job." Good lord I hate discussion posts. Well lookie here at the bitchy turn this blog post took. I had better get off of here before I stink up the place entirely with complaints.

If you're going to get wet, you might as well swim.

I live my life pretty simply, and I like it that way. I wear what I like, do what I like, and have fun. I am not really concerned with what other people think. I am comfortable with who I am and it reflects in how I live my day to day. This isn't to say that I am obnoxious and loud and say "this is how I am so deal with it!" I just don't alter things about myself for others. I always give second chances, help people even if they don't deserve it, and do my best to go to bed in a good frame of mind every night. I will procrastinate for the sake of spending time with people I love because I believe there are moments that you don't ever get back, and I don't want to waste them. I love deeply, care always, and help often. I always let people know how I feel and try not to half ass things. I always say if you're going to get wet, you might as well swim.

Forgetting to blog

I almost forgot to blog today. Well. That's not true. I just put it off until I was too sleepy to think about it and now here I am. I had better do this quick because my laptop just informed me it is restarting in 14 minutes to finish updating. I think I need to do my credo business too. I don't have the rubric in front of me so I won't start that right now. I don't want to do it twice. I cant believe Everett is still awake right now. That is my son. I guess I should clarify because anyone reading this wont know what I am talking about. We had such a long day and its so chilly in the house. I am ready to pass out, but him? Not so much. People always say kids change your life and you lose so many things. I think that is a pretty strong statement but you do lose some privileges you don't even realize you are going to miss. Sleepless nights are to be expected, but what really gets me is just not being able to sleep when I want to. Got some downtime and want to take an afternoon nap? Not if your kid is awake. Ready for bed by 9? Yes. Is your child asleep? No. Looks like you are staying up. Such a simple freedom you don't miss until its gone. Another missing freedom- sitting on the couch watching junk TV from time to time. Any TV that I watch is on my laptop late at night with the subtitiles on because the volume is low so I don't wake Everett. I've been a single mom since I found out I was pregnant so it's just the two of us. Everything I do he is right there from eating to sleeping to playing. He is pretty much fused to my hip because we just have each other. I get crap for letting him sleep with me since birth but I wouldn't have it any other way. He has plenty of time to be a big boy in his own bed. My laptop just informed me I have 4 minutes before restart so I think I am done here.

Knowing your Audience

Okay. I don't know quite how to go about this. I am supposed to be writing about how the questions and answers from the discussion may affect my writing based on the audience... Well. Here is an honest assessment of my audience based on questions asked.
We are all sort of preoccupied with death, and the end of things. A lot of questions leaned towards last hoorahs and apocalyptic scenarios. Those are the questions I really remember. The answers were about what I expected. It was small talky. No conversations were started. Everyone gave their answer and waited for the next question to come along.
How is this going to affect  my writing? Honestly? Not really very much at all. The only thing I might change about my writing is if I were to touch on something offensive. It's not my goal to offend anyone with my writing but other than that I write how I write. I'm not a journalist grabbing for attention with headlines to interest certain groups or an author trying to sell a novel. I do things I enjoy and I do them for myself. Writing isn't any different. When I write a story or essay I typically don't stop to wonder if anyone is going to like it. I like it and as long as I am getting my point across that is all that really matters to me. When you take something you enjoy and start bending and fretting because you are preoccupied with how others are going to react it stops being enjoyable and becomes work. A chore. My life is too hectic to take something as relaxing and cleansing as writing and turning it into a task.
I'm sure this isn't the type of response that was wanted. I could hit the delete button, start over. I could fabricate something that sounded like a more appropriate answer, but why? Why would I bother to write something made up that is supposed to reflect how I think and feel? I almost worry that my writings make me sound like a self centered jerk. I just want to do it my way and all my writings for this class have come from a deep place of honesty. "Write fearlessly", Ms. A said. Had I not laid eyes on those words my responses for this class would have all been very different, much more timid. Much more white bread, but writing fearlessly! It's liberating. It's exciting. It makes me feel like I am botching the hell out of some of these assignments but it's writing that feels good. I can feel myself growing and learning new things about myself and I like it. I count as the audience too.

Ack

I almost forgot to blog. So here I am doing it. My son is running around trying to push buttons and keeps unplugging me. I really need to be getting him to bed but if he goes to sleep I will be right behind him so I had better get this out of the way. Crap. I have a test tomorrow too. Idea. Do two things at once. Name and number the cranial nerves I Olfactory II Optic III Occulomotor IIIV Trochlear V Trigeminal VI A... shit, forgot. starts with A. VII Facial VIII Vestibulocochlear IX Glossopharyngeal X Vagus XI Accessory XII Hypoglossal.
Looked it up. The A one I forgot was Abducens. I need to know the 5 steps of a feedback loop too. I never really looked at that and it might be an essay question. That would really suck. I hope I do well on this because I missed that lab with the stomach flu and that's a lot of points to make up. I want to get an A and I don't know if I am going to be able to. Guhhh crap I need to study but I want to go to bed. At least I did ALL my nutrition homework last night so that is one less thing to do. I need to get cracking on this english stuff. It's so much busy work and reading the same things over and over. I kind of hate it. I kindof hate blogging too, honestly. I feel put on the spot because it's required. Left on my own I could probably come up with cool witty crap that people would actually be interested in reading instead of basically just journaling to fill requirements and hit 300 words. Where is the word counter on this bad boy anyway? Oh well. Ill just keep going a little longer. Oh what's this? My little boy has just handed me a very slobbery flash drive that he pulled out and decided to chew on while I was writing this. There you have it. Blogging is bad for parenting. And flash drives.

Getting it done

So I am a blogger now. This is a thing. I have joined the ranks of foodies and moms and other people who want to tell others how they feel about things, give tips, tell jokes. Whatever. I'm doing it too. What am I going to blog about? I can talk about how I just printed a paper with every other page upside down and how annoying that is, or how I think fried eggs smell like wet dog. I can describe how my sinus pressure makes my eyes feel like they are about to bulge out of my head and pop all over this screen I would give nearly anything to not have to look at. I don't really want to talk about any of that stuff. I just want to get this blog done and move on to other homework. I want to get it all done and be able to sit and read for recreation because I can't remember the last time I read something that wasn't a textbook and boy does that bum me out. I am off to a terrible start. I feel like my blog posts should all be meaningful and interesting to read but today- today I simply don't care. My head hurts, I'm busy, and I think there a rogue eyelash raking against my sclera. Oh good. I remember what the white of my eye is called. That will come in handy for my test on Friday. I am wondering if I have hit 300 words yet. I am also thinking that this needs to be dated. Doesn't a blog date its entries automatically? I don't know. Does this need to be mla format? Surely not. Double spaced? I don't think I did the other one that way.. Nah I'm not messing with it. Surely I have hit 300 words by now. doo doo doo doot doo doooo. Yep. I'm done.