Reflection

Having a blog has mostly taught me that I am not good at having a blog. I never had time to submit anything interesting like I see in other blogs that I stumble upon from time to time. I used mine as a dumping ground for whatever was in my head at the time. I don't think it increased my fluency because I have been journaling my entire life and have never had a problem with making words flow out of me when I need them to. I didn't really like the blog because it turned into a journal online and there aren't too many things I want to share with the internet. I actually really hate the internet and have been making a point in my life to have less to do with it. Having a blog, even though it was required, felt incredibly counterproductive in that goal. I actually plan to delete this and never look back once the class is over. I have no use for this, and don't want it hanging around google attached to my name.
I frequently forgot to blog, which is obvious because this reflection was due last night and I completely forgot about it until this morning. I don't even know if I will be able to turn it in but I'm trying anyway just in case. I don't want to complain about the structure or content of the class anymore, because this blog was largely complaints. I guess that is another thing blogging brought out in me. An ability to dump out all the frustration and annoyances of the day. I don't have time to maintain much of a social life and the blog became a sounding board of my irritation. A way to release all the things that were bothering me out into oblivion. It was also just a bunch of brain garbage. Like right now. I have literally just been sitting here typing out everything that flows through  my head. I haven't stopped once other than to jump up and chase my son a couple of times. How's that for fluency? I can't really give the blog credit for that because I've been doing it since the start. How long is this thing supposed to be? I don't remember. I don't really want to stop and look either because this thing is late anyway. Surely this is long enough. Smell you later blogging.

Fire

What a day I have had. I made an appointment for my son this morning. When I got to the doctors office a prerecorded voice over the intercom system kept repeating "Attention: Dr. Red, Fourth Floor". I know enough to know that isn't a good thing. Yet when I looked around  me I saw seated patients waiting around, nurses and receptionists standing around gabbing about weekend plans and cartoons cheerfully playing on the TV. I decide to stand up and leave because I don't want to find out what a page for "Dr. Red" stands for when some sort of administrator comes out and says "I don't know if this is a drill or not, but I think we need to evacuate"
Let me point out all the things wrong with this.
1. If its a drill, you flunk. Hard. This alarm was going off when I walked in the door, and didn't stop throughout check in, and asking to be seated. Every employee in Smith Glenn Calloway Pediatrics straight up ignored a fire alarm for at least over 5 minutes.
2. It wasn't a drill. There was a fire upstairs. As I walked out the door a fire truck was pulling in to the parking lot. Extra fail.
3. Super deluxe failure status- I was one of the first people out of the building. Tons more trickled out long after I did. I don't even know how long the alarm was going off and I was probably the last to come in, but the first one out. The alarm went off long enough for the fire department to ARRIVE as I was walking out the door. That isn't very promising.
It wasn't a huge inferno or anything and it was resolved in about 45 minutes but if it had been some other sort of emergency I now have a pretty good idea of how Mercy staff will handle it: By standing around doing nothing. That's pretty scary considering they are medical personnel responsible for the care of patients. It's only a matter of time before we all have Ebola at this rate.

Panic

I need to study for my test, which is tomorrow, and I haven't had time. I have been trying to complete other homework like a madwoman with no success, because my baby is sick, and I am not feeling so hot either. I think we have a virus from those god damn mosquito bites. I got my grade back on my lab practical and I didn't do as well as I wanted. Got my first C. I've never even gotten a B on a test and I tanked on this chapter, which is really discouraging because I have no time to study, I am nauseated and tired and now the time I had to study in the morning is occupied by a doctor's appointment. I'm having a panic attack. I feel like I am somewhere between crying and throwing up. This isn't even that big of a deal but I am so not coping with it right now. I don't want to look at this screen anymore. I don't want to take a test tomorrow. I want to lay down and read a book to relax and get a restful night of sleep but I still have so much to do and a poor sick baby to monitor on top of it. I have to just hurry and do this. I have to hurry and do the other thing for this class too. I think its due tomorrow maybe but I have other schoolwork to do tomorrow and I have no idea what the doctor is going to say so I need to be able to compensate for that as well. Oh God this is miserable. I just want to do well and get stuff done but I feel like I am running myself ragged. I want to go back in time to 18 year old Kayla and shake her. Tell her to stay in school and get everything done while you don't have a child and spare time galore. Tell her that whatever idea that made her think that she didn't need to be in school and could get through life just fine is completely wrong and to save herself some trouble and do all of that shit NOW.

Mosquito Bites

My son and I are both covered in angry red mosquito bites. It is completely miserable. I will be so glad when summer is over and there are no stupid mosquitos. I took my lab practical today and have no idea how I did, and now I get to obsess over blackboard checking for my score every day until its posted. I don't think I did that great. I have been really out of whack lately. I need to find a good routine and get back into it. I kindof let everything go for awhile and it blew up in my face. Hopefully once we are moved into the new house everything will kind of smooth out for awhile. Who knows. Anyway. My legs itch and feel so achy and swollen I just want to sit in a hot salt water bath or something. I have no idea if it would even help but anything is better than sitting here itching and aching. I just reached up and rubbed my eyes, then remembered that I actually wore eyeliner today,. Im guessing I look like a raccoon now. hbjgyulasjhfdv, xcdzb << That would be my son climbing on to the bed and throwing himself on the keyboard. He loves to press buttons and smash on the keyboard. This poor laptop has been smashed on, stood on, drooled on, spilled milk on and everything in between and its less than a year old. It's truly a marvel of technology that it still works without issue. I need to write Toshiba a thank you letter for making such a durable laptop. Now that I have said all this I'm sure it will end up busted in the floor by the end of the night.. That's just my luck.

UhOh

I went a full two days without blogging. I got sick with some weird stomach thing and totally forgot. I am really not great at keeping up with this stuff. Now I'm sitting here trying to think of something to write about but Im kindof blank. I just woke up from a nap on the couch. I'm pretty sure I still have pillow marks in my cheek from sleeping so hard so my brain is really fuzzy. I need to be studying for my lab practical tomorrow. I don't even know where to start. Well, I know where to start- I have a pretty decent study guide, but I don't know how to start I guess. I am in that special vapor lock that comes with being really out of my routine. Feeling crappy for the last 2 days and trying to function on the motherhood levels alone really took it out of me. My dad is visiting and he is chatting my ear off while I am trying to do this and that is extra distracting. Plus I keep jumping up because my son is still asleep on the couch and I am afraid he is going to roll off into the floor now that I'm not there to serve as a safety rail. I don't know. The washing machine is out of balance and I'm hungry. I really don't want to be sitting here doing this but click click click here I go just waiting for the words on the page to stack up and look long enough that I am confident I have filled the 300 word requirement. I really really need to be studying. I'll finish this and then laundry will be done in the dryer. That leads to folding clothes, then its dinner time, then we eat. Then I give Everett his bath, then he wants to run around and play in whatever Im doing, then its time for bed, and once he is in bed I am either exhausted or all the lights are out and I have to hunch over the glow of my laptop to get anything done. uuggghhhhh.

Online Shopping

I'm not really what you would consider a "crunchy" parent- but I do still breastfeed my 16 month old and I cloth diaper. I chose to cloth diaper because it reduces the amount of dirty diapers festering away in landfills for the next million years and it is very budget friendly... if you can keep away from online boutiques constantly coming out with new adorable prints. I managed to do this. I built my giant stash of diapers out of basic, "china cheapies" meaning single color simple pocket diapers that cost around 5 bucks a piece, shipped for free from china. Then it happened. I bought the Holstein cow print Kawaii Goodnight Heavy Wetters diaper I have been pining over since laying eyes on it months ago. The trap was set, and I fell in,
You don't need to buy all those prints, Kayla. He wears pants over them, Kayla. He is just going to POOP in them, Kayla.
Don't care. Must have all the cute. I am a woman obsessed. Poring over eBay auctions and shouting OH NO YOU DIDN'T when I am outbid on the cute minky green diaper with white reindeer. Christmas is coming! Oh look! A camo one! I love the way this one fits. Let me buy all the other prints too! Now I find myself thinking of getting rid of my cheapies to clear the way for the new, fun diapers. My poor cheapies. They got me through thick and thin when I was broke starting out. My barely present coparent that helps with next to nothing anyway didn't support my choice to use cloth, but would also constantly neglect to help me out getting disposable ones. Look at me, ready to toss them out for new flashy diapers. I tell myself that once these come in I am done. I have plenty and potty training could be right around the corner anyway. We'll see how that works out for me.

Friday

Today has been about as backwards as it gets. Im a bit of a routine person and I wrecked it. I didn't go to class today and instead spent the entire morning and afternoon going to yard sales with my mom and son. I felt so much guilt over neglecting my class that I almost didn't even enjoy myself. I kept looking at the clock thinking "I should be parking right now... I would still have 20 minutes of lecture... I should be leaving now... I would just now be getting home". Playing hooky doesn't suit me. I know better- but sometimes you just have to enjoy a pretty day with your family. Im sitting in bed now, thinking about eating some leftovers but also noticing that it is almost 11 and not really a prime time to eat a bunch of chinese food. Who am I kidding. It will be a miracle if I finish this post without stopping to go to the fridge. It will also be a miracle if I manage to keep most of my skin intact by bedtime. The mosquitos are having a last hurrah at my house and trying to be outside in the evenings is almost unbearable. I didn't notice it too much but I stopped to swat one off my horses neck only to look down and discover 3 of the bastards feasting on my arm. Naturally they were all over my legs and the back of my neck too. I will be a walking itchy whelp for the next few days. I hope the weather stays warm enough to wear shorts because the thought of jeans rubbing all these bites makes me consider amputation. I have only just recovered from getting into a bunch of seed ticks out in the woods last week. I welcome chilly bug killing weather. Or a bunch of bats and dragonflies eating them all. I joked all summer about turning the barn into "Kayla's Home for Wayward Bats" to combat our horrible mosquito problem. I think I'm done here. I need to go tape some oven mitts on my hands so I don't claw myself to ribbons.

Tired Kayla is Tired

I fell asleep last night without blogging, so I can't decide whether to post twice today. or just skip it and say oh well. I guess I'll make that choice as I settle down this evening. I have been on fire doing homework today. I want to say its because I am so motivated, but the only thing I am motivated by is the lack of time I have to complete it. I picked up a book to read for recreation and when the house is quiet and my son is asleep I have started replacing homework time with reading time. Bad Kayla. There are so many things I want to give my time to but never can. I love to crochet and have had plans to make another blanket for... oh I dont know... about a year now- but since my son became mobile it takes a miracle for me to get even bare minimum requirements done. Being a single mom doesn't leave a lot of leisure time. It's really frustrating because his dad only sees him an hour a week and he wants to act like he is over his head busy all the time. Scoff. Boy you don't know what busy is. Anyway. I have spent so much time today hunched over my computer I feel like some sort of horrible gremlin. When I get up to chase my son around I feel like I have been riding in a car all day from being stove up at my desk. I don't envy anyone that has to sit staring at a screen all day. It's not natural. My goal is to commit this entire day to my homework load so that when the weekend rolls around all I have to do is things I want to do. Last weekend was a homework nightmare. I have big tests and lab practicals next week and already need to spend a chunk of saturday at open lab so I really don't want to be fooling with anything else.

Barking Dogs

I don't know how they can stand it. It's one of those magical nights that my parent's dogs are barking their brains out at seemingly nothing. No matter how often I get up to squint at my dark backyard or bang on the windows begging them to shut up- nothing. Just 3 dogs, ears up, barking into oblivion. One of them isn't even bothering to leave her dog house. It could be the neighbors outside having a party like they so frequently do. It could be a coyote or stray dog running around just out of my sight tormenting them. Or maybe they just like to hear themselves make noise. I think its the latter. Regardless of the reason it makes me wish they were cats. I can tune a lot of noises out, but I can't ignore an incessantly barking dog. It makes my blood pressure go up. For one thing it's terribly annoying and secondly its stressful. What the hell are they barking at? Is it an ax murderer? Are we about to have a massive earthquake? Has hell run out of room so now the dead walk the earth and my dutiful Shepard dogs are just trying to warn me? Who freaking knows. Not me. I have a test to study for and a reading guide to complete but everything is punctuated by barking. I can't keep a smooth ribbon of thought going. Even this post is difficult. I'm BARK typing along and BARK BARK BARK. It sBARK stops me in my BARK tracks eBARRARRRARRK every BARARK time. Its like having the hiccups. When everything is still you sit there and wait for the next one. It's about to drive me completely insane. It has wound down to one dog barking. The others gave up. It's down to my brother's dog Maggie. Maggie doesn't like to be outside at night, however, she loves to void her bowels and bladder in creative places all over the house. She now goes outside at night. Why not put her in a crate instead? She whines and howls and digs at it, then poops in it anyway. Why not let her out more often? You try setting an alarm to get up every hour on the hour to let a dog out that doesn't want to go out and goes in the floor anyway. She is a serial pooper. She has jumped in laundry baskets to poop, pooped in my brother's lego container, pooped in the bathtub, peed or pooped on every rug in the house to the point that there are no longer any rugs anywhere in this house. She also jumps on to kitchen counter tops to gobble dinner off the stove, and strings trash can contents all over the house. I really can't imagine my parents bringing home a worse dog for a 9 year old boy to get desperately attached to, so they are stuck with her, and when I am here to visit- so am I. I cope by complaining at length to anyone that will sit still and listen and presenting lists of no kill shelters to my mother.

Im making this post on my phone in the dark. I drifted off while reading and shortly after woke up with one of my lovely night time panic attacks. I need the distraction as well as the participation points so here I am. It's difficult to come up with something to talk about whIle I squirm around in discomfort,  sweat dampening my sheets and the rapid, forceful contractions of my heart demanding my attention. The more I get my bearings the better I feel but at the same time I am also feeling more alert and awake. Which isn't so great. It's a cool night with crickets chirping at a pleasant distance. I would very much like to drift off to sleep again. I would also very much like a drink of water. Now I go off in search of both water and sleep

Basic

I ate a pumpkin spice donut today and put a pumpkin spice scented disc in my warmer today. Typical basic fall stuff. I've got the windows open and the fan on. It's too chilly in my room. Im shivering but under the blanket feels like heaven. I think I will leave it open and sleep this way. Hauling myself out of bed in a cold room will be future Kayla's problem. My son is asleep next to me and he looks so cute when he's sleeping. It's so hard not to kiss his little face every 3 seconds. I have woken him up on accident so many times because I couldn't help smooching that little face. I rearranged furniture and hung some new curtains this weekend and it is such a pleasant change. I love making things different in the house. I sleep better at night if I can alter my surroundings now and then. Things get stagnant when they are left the same way too long. I always hated moving in to a house that is laid out in such a way that your furniture only fits in one direction. I need to trim my fingernails. They are getting too long and causing typos. I hate how they feel jamming and sliding around on the keys. They grow so fast though I have to cut them like every week or I get claws. I wish my hair grew as fast as my nails. I wouldn't still be struggling to grow out my pixie cut from almost a year ago. Ugh is this thing at 300 words yet? I want to have a snack and read a little before bed. I kindof hate this blogging thing. I used to be able to bust my ass and get a night a week without any school work whatsoever but  now  I always have to stop what I am doing and blog. Surely this is close enough.

Endocrine System

I am barely getting this done before midnight because I have been doing so much of my other homework. This weekend has been really busy so I had to sit and do a giant reading guide all at once the minute my son went to sleep. I have been answering questions and writing non stop since about 8:30 so needless to say I am ready to put schoolwork aside and have some semblance of a weekend. In the spirit of doing so I am cutting this blog post short. Sorry to disappoint my readers.

Chocolate Cake

I have been doing homework til my eyes feel like shriveled up raisins, and I have a piece of chocolate cake waiting on me that I think I am now too tired to eat.  I almost forgot to blog (I know- never would have expected that) and now I am struggling to think of what to write about when I can't really think anymore. All I can think of is how my brain feels like a coagulated lump of stripped gears and frozen mental processes. It is ruin and woe in there. I don't know how I am even managing to make my fingers keep typing. Everything that comes out just feels like word vomit. I know I am nowhere near 300 words and that is an equally distressing thought. I have so much to do tomorrow the day feels spent before it even begins. It's getting so late and I'm still sitting here clacking away on the keyboard. I really love being in school and I love learning but some nights it's all I can do to keep from drooling on my laptop. I get so exhausted. I moved a bunch of furniture today to take out the crib and bring in my son's new toddler bed and it turned into the biggest time consuming ordeal complete with trips to home depot and buying the same thing at 3 different stores because I kept finding something better at the next one and the next one and so on. Right now I would really just like to fall in a heap on my messy bed in the room I haven't finished yet and sleep until breakfast wakes me up in the morning.

Crickets

There is a cricket parked on my windowsill and it is completely deafening. I am an odd mix of comforted by the sound and annoyed by it. My son isn't sleeping well this evening and between the cricket and the clacking of laptop keys I feel like I am diffusing a bomb trying to type quietly. Also my computer has just informed me it is going to restart for updates. ... wait. Didn't it just do this the other night? How often does this stupid thing need updates? I hate technology. I have so much homework to do. Tonight got thrown off course because I stupidly let my son run around diaperless after his bath and he pooped on my bed. Had to do some unplanned laundry, and with a king size bed and giant blankets its a bit of a process. How is it 11 pm already? This time 3 weeks ago I would have been in bed by now. Somewhere along the line my sleep schedule got all bungled up again. I still need to write an essay on what I believe in. I believe the time spent writing out your personal belief systems is better used eating a sandwich or going for a walk. Didn't I make a blog post about this? I don't even remember what I wrote. Probably a bunch of garbage. I guess I had better get cracking on that. I am so off this week. I am running behind on everything.

Bunny Tracks

Sitting here eating a big bowl of ice cream wondering what blog link I am going to submit. I don't really have a favorite post so far. I more or less use this blog as a dumping ground for my brain every evening. No one can read it anyway. I honestly don't think anyone is ever going to read it. There is no link to it and as far as I can tell stuff just doesn't get graded or responded to in this class anyway. Bums me out. I really like feedback. Never knowing if I am doing right or wrong in here just makes me not try very hard because I am overwhelmed with science classes and I am more interested in working hard on things that I really need to know. This class feels like busy work. Busy work that never gets graded so you just put down whatever and go on with your to do list. One thing I am enjoying about this class is the fact that I am not bothering to be cheesy and write what I think everyone wants to hear. All this busywork would be almost unbearable if I was bullshitting it. I worry that I am in a bubble and soon there is going to be tons of feedback and grades and I will discover not only am I doing terribly but I have offended the instructor. I feel like maybe I'm the kid that is outside singing and dancing like a lunatic because you think no one is watching when there is an entire crowd in the window. I'm just writing whatever and going along oblivious to the fact that I am completely blowing it. It would be fun to use this blog as a series of short stories or something but by the time I get to sit down and do it I am just ready to get done with stuff. I almost always have a sleeping baby in my lap or a sandwich that I am trying desperately to wolf down while I can, all while watching the clock and calculating how many hours of sleep I will get if I finish everything by X time. Blogging just isn't for me. I don't even like going back and reading my own posts because all I do is bitch.

Poison Control

Tonight I spent 10 minutes on the phone with poison control because my son got in a bathroom drawer and found a bottle of body spray and stuck it in his mouth. Not so bad. The lid was loose for whatever reason and he got a mouth full... and swallowed it. Bad. Turns out he was fine, but I am sharing this because it's an honest glimpse into my day to day. Chasing a tiny male copy of myself around while he does his best to eat every gross thing, grab every sharp or hot thing, or tear up every important thing. Little boys have a truly astonishing amount of energy and intelligence. It may not seem incredibly intelligent to do things like try to eat an egg shell out of the trash but the way he goes about sneaking over to that trash can is nothing short of impressive. I marvel at him daily. He says a new word almost every day and shows levels of understanding that completely blow me away. It's just the two of us, and trying to raise him and provide for us and go to school gets really overwhelming sometimes but man is it ever worth it. He is just so cool. I never planned on having children and while I knew I would be good at it, I never wanted to have kids. I was terrified to have something that I love so much. I just knew the stress and worry would kill me.
It does.
Its the hardest thing I have ever done and I weep at the idea of bringing more innocent babies into this world that just gets shittier every day. I worry constantly about his safety and well being. I wonder what kind of world he will grow up into, worry what struggles he will have in life. Worry worry worry. It's the essence of motherhood. It's love beyond the beyonds. It's knowing that someday the tiny mewling infant that you brought home from the hospital, snuggled and loved, fed and kissed. could someday despite your nurturing grow into a complete asshole. They could grow up and run over cats on purpose or rape a girl at a party. These are the thoughts that moms don't share. The scary bits that we sweep to the back of our minds. That guy on the news that killed a bus full of people had a mother that rocked him to sleep and kissed his boo boos. For every shitty adult with crappy parents there is a shitty adult with a mother who really tried. Who loved them and did everything they could and still stand behind their child, even when they rob the bank or shoot someone over drugs. Human nature is so incredibly weird.

It's 10pm, do you know what you're blogging about?

No. I have no idea. I almost forgot to do it again but then remembered when I was mapping out my homework for the week. Every day the word BLOG is written in red on my calendar and my eyes already try to skip over it. Maybe I should try a topic generator. Lets see... Okay. I came up with 20 least favorite cats. I think I used the same generator they use over at buzzfeed. This isn't working out. I think its funny that on Wednesday I am going to have to submit a link of my favorite blog post. Hah. I basically just sit here and think out loud and talk about how I almost forget to do this every day. I don't even think anyone is going to get the chance to read this damn thing because there is no link to it. I haven't received any feedback or real grades on anything else. I kind of feel like the whole shebang is a bunch of grade A bologna. I hate that. I have no desire to really try because every writing assignment is completed in the dark and thrown into a darker abyss. Hope I hit the mark. Does it matter? Oh well. I finished everything on my to do list this week so whaaaatever. I was looking forward to having a writing class and to get back into this long forgotten hobby and its like- oh. I don't think she actually reads any of this. Well. Okay. That was fun. And then we do these discussion posts and basically everyone lines up for their turn to say "Yeah I think so too. Good job." Good lord I hate discussion posts. Well lookie here at the bitchy turn this blog post took. I had better get off of here before I stink up the place entirely with complaints.

If you're going to get wet, you might as well swim.

I live my life pretty simply, and I like it that way. I wear what I like, do what I like, and have fun. I am not really concerned with what other people think. I am comfortable with who I am and it reflects in how I live my day to day. This isn't to say that I am obnoxious and loud and say "this is how I am so deal with it!" I just don't alter things about myself for others. I always give second chances, help people even if they don't deserve it, and do my best to go to bed in a good frame of mind every night. I will procrastinate for the sake of spending time with people I love because I believe there are moments that you don't ever get back, and I don't want to waste them. I love deeply, care always, and help often. I always let people know how I feel and try not to half ass things. I always say if you're going to get wet, you might as well swim.

Forgetting to blog

I almost forgot to blog today. Well. That's not true. I just put it off until I was too sleepy to think about it and now here I am. I had better do this quick because my laptop just informed me it is restarting in 14 minutes to finish updating. I think I need to do my credo business too. I don't have the rubric in front of me so I won't start that right now. I don't want to do it twice. I cant believe Everett is still awake right now. That is my son. I guess I should clarify because anyone reading this wont know what I am talking about. We had such a long day and its so chilly in the house. I am ready to pass out, but him? Not so much. People always say kids change your life and you lose so many things. I think that is a pretty strong statement but you do lose some privileges you don't even realize you are going to miss. Sleepless nights are to be expected, but what really gets me is just not being able to sleep when I want to. Got some downtime and want to take an afternoon nap? Not if your kid is awake. Ready for bed by 9? Yes. Is your child asleep? No. Looks like you are staying up. Such a simple freedom you don't miss until its gone. Another missing freedom- sitting on the couch watching junk TV from time to time. Any TV that I watch is on my laptop late at night with the subtitiles on because the volume is low so I don't wake Everett. I've been a single mom since I found out I was pregnant so it's just the two of us. Everything I do he is right there from eating to sleeping to playing. He is pretty much fused to my hip because we just have each other. I get crap for letting him sleep with me since birth but I wouldn't have it any other way. He has plenty of time to be a big boy in his own bed. My laptop just informed me I have 4 minutes before restart so I think I am done here.

Knowing your Audience

Okay. I don't know quite how to go about this. I am supposed to be writing about how the questions and answers from the discussion may affect my writing based on the audience... Well. Here is an honest assessment of my audience based on questions asked.
We are all sort of preoccupied with death, and the end of things. A lot of questions leaned towards last hoorahs and apocalyptic scenarios. Those are the questions I really remember. The answers were about what I expected. It was small talky. No conversations were started. Everyone gave their answer and waited for the next question to come along.
How is this going to affect  my writing? Honestly? Not really very much at all. The only thing I might change about my writing is if I were to touch on something offensive. It's not my goal to offend anyone with my writing but other than that I write how I write. I'm not a journalist grabbing for attention with headlines to interest certain groups or an author trying to sell a novel. I do things I enjoy and I do them for myself. Writing isn't any different. When I write a story or essay I typically don't stop to wonder if anyone is going to like it. I like it and as long as I am getting my point across that is all that really matters to me. When you take something you enjoy and start bending and fretting because you are preoccupied with how others are going to react it stops being enjoyable and becomes work. A chore. My life is too hectic to take something as relaxing and cleansing as writing and turning it into a task.
I'm sure this isn't the type of response that was wanted. I could hit the delete button, start over. I could fabricate something that sounded like a more appropriate answer, but why? Why would I bother to write something made up that is supposed to reflect how I think and feel? I almost worry that my writings make me sound like a self centered jerk. I just want to do it my way and all my writings for this class have come from a deep place of honesty. "Write fearlessly", Ms. A said. Had I not laid eyes on those words my responses for this class would have all been very different, much more timid. Much more white bread, but writing fearlessly! It's liberating. It's exciting. It makes me feel like I am botching the hell out of some of these assignments but it's writing that feels good. I can feel myself growing and learning new things about myself and I like it. I count as the audience too.

Ack

I almost forgot to blog. So here I am doing it. My son is running around trying to push buttons and keeps unplugging me. I really need to be getting him to bed but if he goes to sleep I will be right behind him so I had better get this out of the way. Crap. I have a test tomorrow too. Idea. Do two things at once. Name and number the cranial nerves I Olfactory II Optic III Occulomotor IIIV Trochlear V Trigeminal VI A... shit, forgot. starts with A. VII Facial VIII Vestibulocochlear IX Glossopharyngeal X Vagus XI Accessory XII Hypoglossal.
Looked it up. The A one I forgot was Abducens. I need to know the 5 steps of a feedback loop too. I never really looked at that and it might be an essay question. That would really suck. I hope I do well on this because I missed that lab with the stomach flu and that's a lot of points to make up. I want to get an A and I don't know if I am going to be able to. Guhhh crap I need to study but I want to go to bed. At least I did ALL my nutrition homework last night so that is one less thing to do. I need to get cracking on this english stuff. It's so much busy work and reading the same things over and over. I kind of hate it. I kindof hate blogging too, honestly. I feel put on the spot because it's required. Left on my own I could probably come up with cool witty crap that people would actually be interested in reading instead of basically just journaling to fill requirements and hit 300 words. Where is the word counter on this bad boy anyway? Oh well. Ill just keep going a little longer. Oh what's this? My little boy has just handed me a very slobbery flash drive that he pulled out and decided to chew on while I was writing this. There you have it. Blogging is bad for parenting. And flash drives.

Getting it done

So I am a blogger now. This is a thing. I have joined the ranks of foodies and moms and other people who want to tell others how they feel about things, give tips, tell jokes. Whatever. I'm doing it too. What am I going to blog about? I can talk about how I just printed a paper with every other page upside down and how annoying that is, or how I think fried eggs smell like wet dog. I can describe how my sinus pressure makes my eyes feel like they are about to bulge out of my head and pop all over this screen I would give nearly anything to not have to look at. I don't really want to talk about any of that stuff. I just want to get this blog done and move on to other homework. I want to get it all done and be able to sit and read for recreation because I can't remember the last time I read something that wasn't a textbook and boy does that bum me out. I am off to a terrible start. I feel like my blog posts should all be meaningful and interesting to read but today- today I simply don't care. My head hurts, I'm busy, and I think there a rogue eyelash raking against my sclera. Oh good. I remember what the white of my eye is called. That will come in handy for my test on Friday. I am wondering if I have hit 300 words yet. I am also thinking that this needs to be dated. Doesn't a blog date its entries automatically? I don't know. Does this need to be mla format? Surely not. Double spaced? I don't think I did the other one that way.. Nah I'm not messing with it. Surely I have hit 300 words by now. doo doo doo doot doo doooo. Yep. I'm done.

Being a Feel-y Introvert

INFJ
Introvert
iNtuitive
Feeling 
Judging

Those things are supposed to add up to say something personal about me. I admittedly rolled my eyes and figured this was something like a horoscope- an umbrella of characteristics that many people can stand under but still feel like it individually applies to them... And it kind of is, but I read my description and there were some pretty dead on points. I read things about myself that looked better on the page than I had tried to acknowledge in my own head.
 For example: People tend to think I am very outgoing because I care a lot about what other people have going on and tend to get really involved in things. I am a big sympathizer/feeler/helper and like taking care of people. BUT! Being around people exhausts me. I want to go home and be alone more than anything in the world when I am out with people. I need to recharge. Sometimes I will go days without talking to people I am close to just because I don't want to. It makes no sense to the people in my life but it's how I have always been. It was pretty cool to see that description in the first paragraph of my personality assessment. It totally makes sense now. 
Ye olde test also brought up how INFJ-ites like myself have an easier time getting things out on paper. So true. In a face to face conversation I can hold my own pretty well, but I am going to think of a hundred things I didn't say because things got off track, I didn't get my turn, or I simply couldn't open my mouth and make what I wanted to come out. Ohh but give me some paper. If I can make you read something I can get out every detail of every thought in my head. Imagine all the boyfriends of my life coming home to letters on the coffee table and a locked bedroom door because I am tired of not getting my point across. The keeper ended up being an avid reader. Coincidence? *wink
Anyway- it goes on to highlight several other traits- strong writer, being intuitive, difficult to fool, calm outside, heavy inside, etc. Here is the deal- it was like catching a cool breeze reading all of these things. Ahh, look at how lovely and fitting this personality description is! I enjoyed it, but it didn't tell me anything new. I have spent 26 years coming to grips with myself as a person and I feel like I have the hang of being Kayla Jones, good, bad or ugly. The test gave me a view of myself that I strongly relate to but might not have put down myself, but it didn't' give me any new insight. I don't know how it would influence me as a writer. I don't step away with any new confidence or inspiration. Only a perhaps deeper sense of self understanding and the reinforced notion that I do not like taking tests where I feel like I am filling out an online job application.