Poison Control

Tonight I spent 10 minutes on the phone with poison control because my son got in a bathroom drawer and found a bottle of body spray and stuck it in his mouth. Not so bad. The lid was loose for whatever reason and he got a mouth full... and swallowed it. Bad. Turns out he was fine, but I am sharing this because it's an honest glimpse into my day to day. Chasing a tiny male copy of myself around while he does his best to eat every gross thing, grab every sharp or hot thing, or tear up every important thing. Little boys have a truly astonishing amount of energy and intelligence. It may not seem incredibly intelligent to do things like try to eat an egg shell out of the trash but the way he goes about sneaking over to that trash can is nothing short of impressive. I marvel at him daily. He says a new word almost every day and shows levels of understanding that completely blow me away. It's just the two of us, and trying to raise him and provide for us and go to school gets really overwhelming sometimes but man is it ever worth it. He is just so cool. I never planned on having children and while I knew I would be good at it, I never wanted to have kids. I was terrified to have something that I love so much. I just knew the stress and worry would kill me.
It does.
Its the hardest thing I have ever done and I weep at the idea of bringing more innocent babies into this world that just gets shittier every day. I worry constantly about his safety and well being. I wonder what kind of world he will grow up into, worry what struggles he will have in life. Worry worry worry. It's the essence of motherhood. It's love beyond the beyonds. It's knowing that someday the tiny mewling infant that you brought home from the hospital, snuggled and loved, fed and kissed. could someday despite your nurturing grow into a complete asshole. They could grow up and run over cats on purpose or rape a girl at a party. These are the thoughts that moms don't share. The scary bits that we sweep to the back of our minds. That guy on the news that killed a bus full of people had a mother that rocked him to sleep and kissed his boo boos. For every shitty adult with crappy parents there is a shitty adult with a mother who really tried. Who loved them and did everything they could and still stand behind their child, even when they rob the bank or shoot someone over drugs. Human nature is so incredibly weird.